Once More To The Well/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW When a guy goes fishin' it's not enough to catch fish. You have to catch the biggest fish; you have to catch it right away; and most importantly, you have to do it around people who aren't catchin' anything. It's kinda like takin' your girlfriend to harold's chess club... You're rubbin' it in a little. Luckily there's a guaranteed way to catch big fish fast. Get yourself a can of this insulating foam. When you spray this stuff it expands to 100 times its normal size. Those were the good ol' days, huh? First thing you wanna do is tie your fishing line just under the nozzle. That way when you cast the nozzle'll pop off, and the foam will shoot out. But first you gotta bury the whole thing inside this shiny mylar fish balloon. You can get these wherever they sell them. Then you just seal it up with whatever you've got around that's handy. Then you just scrunch it up real small so that it looks like a normal, shiny lure. [ foam exploding ] [ applause ] see ya! [ cheers and applause ] all right. Take it easy. Thank you very much. No, I appreciate that. Actually got a bit of a problem up at the lodge this week. The well ran dry. The local well guy says we've got to dig it deeper. But he wants an arm and a leg for the job. We figure we can do it ourselves for just an arm. Uncle red! Uncle red! Okay, all right... Are you responsible for this? No, your parents are. Ha! Ha! Ha! I have bedhead! There's no water. How am I supposed to shampoo, rinse, repeat and leave in for two minutes with no water? Well, I suggest you go jump in the lake. I can't. I'm allergic. You're allergic to water? Water, no; possum lake, yes. Just relax, harold. We've got the guys drilling the well deeper. We'll have water in a couple of days. Couple of days? How are we supposed to stay clean? Wear more cologne. Why can't we just hook up the town water like everybody else in the area? Because then our taxes will go up. Plus they'll stick a meter in there. Then the guy comes by once a month to check it, and he starts snoopin' around and before you know it, we're not allowed to store our gas cans in the furnace room. Red, we're having problems with the well drilling. Mike brought this portable well driller by, but it's only got a 35-foot bit, the well's 40 feet deep, so mike had to hang down inside the well while we held him by the heels. My oh my, what could have gone wrong with such a well thought out plan? Gravity. [ applause ] it's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's prize is this coupon for music lovers, which entitles the winner to receive four accordions and a sledge hammer. No questions asked. Okay, cover your thingies, frank. Mr. Green, you've got 30 seconds to get world renowned hot dog expert frank koepke to say this word... Yeah, all right, mike. And... Go! Um, okay, frank, um, this is something that makes people smile or laugh. Wieners. No, uh -- okay, no. This rhymes with "choke." smoked wieners. No, frank, this has nothing to do with wieners. K.D. Lang! [ applause ] no, no, this is something that people look forward to doing around the water cooler. They hear this, then they repeat it. Who wants a hot dog? This is something people say that's funny. Oh, who wants a tube steak? No, this is some -- it seems to be one thing, then there's a twist, and it's actually something else. A veggie dog. No, no, no, no. You know what? Everyone has a few of these. Sometimes they're dirty. Kielbasa. You're almost outta time, mr. Green. Frank, can you stop thinkin' about wieners? No, I don't think I can? Well, you gotta. There's more to life than wieners! Good one. That's a joke, right? There we go! Announcer: Meet cheryl. She's a computer programmer who's looking for a good time and maybe something more. [ doorbell ] this is winston, a septic sucker who's ready for lovin'. Let's see how they did. You look, uh, lovely tonight. Mind if I drive? Winston: You know, my truck's a very safe vehicle, eh? No one ever tailgates. You know, personally, I don't really care for mexican food that much. But boy, is it ever good for business! You done with that? Winston: Hang on. Oh, yeah, just wind around here. So, uh, when was the last time you had your tank pumped? What did I say? Yeah, so I go on this overflow job, right, but instead of one toilet there's like 16 toilets! And they're all overflowin' -- well, anyway, uh... Call you next week. This is an exotic car magazine? A lot of high priced fancy vehicles in this baby, I'll tell you. Ferraris and tiramisus. Now a lot of guys avoid looking at these magazines because they can't stand seein' things they'll never have. That's actually true for all men's magazines. But to me, expensive can still be done cheaply. That's because I have imagination. Now, those million-dollar, european, high-performance, fancy boy cars, they're all red, stand about yay high, and they have the engine right in the middle of the car. See, the mid engine balances the car so she corners better. Plus if you smash into anything, most of the expensive, high-tech engine parts will be protected by your passengers. I could never afford one of those babies. I mean, I had to wait till payday to buy the magazine. I can still have a mid-engine car. Okay, from the back of the car to the engine is exactly... Around 12'11". But from the engine to the front of the car is only 4'9". So if I wanna have the engine in the middle, I can either move the engine back around 5 feet, which would wreak havoc with my cup holders, or I could lop 12 feet off the back end, but that would force me to sit on the hood ornament. So simplest of all, all's I gotta do is add 8 feet to the front end. Now, if you're doin' this in metric, best of luck to you. Boy, that was a lot of sawing. But I've got the new chunk to stick onto the front of my vehicle. The wheels even turn on this thing. Safe or what? Now, I removed the engine and drive train from the unit. Well, actually, rust and gravity removed them. But I didn't fight it. I gotta find some way to flatten this roof down. Otherwise, it's gonna look kinda silly. I'm outta hacksaw blades, so... You wanna use a fair whack of the handyman's secret weapon on this job. I would recommend five large rolls. If that's too rich for you, hey, maybe you can't afford to have a european-style mid-engine car. And for that finishing touch, to make this baby look extra sharp, put a pizza box over the wheel wells to hide where the tires used to be. I would recommend you put a real good primer on those pizza boxes, because when cardboard gets wet, it loses a lot of its strength. Okay... So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. This isn't an old junker anymore. It's a fancy italian mid-engine junker. And I'm not red green. I'm umberto tortellini. [ crash ] [ applause ] I have a shocking revelation for you men out there. There are people who are smarter than you. For you married guys, this is probably not the first time you're hearing this. See, I've always known there are smarter people than me. But the thing that gets me is how the age of the smarter people has changed over the course of my life. When I was a kid, my mind was quick and sharp. I'd have to go to up five, maybe even ten years older to find people smarter than me. By the time I hit 40, the people smarter than me were all around my own age. That's when the trouble started. My age kept going up, but the age of people smarter than me started goin' down. It began with a 25-year-old woman explaining that the bank machine won't allow me to withdraw cash from an overdrawn account. Then a couple of years later, it was a 16-year-old skate boarder pointing out that the cheap gas I just put in my tank was diesel. Then last week, a 9-year-old computer whiz was tellin' me the reason my monitor doesn't work is because it's a microwave oven. But my stupidity can be our little secret. That's because in most groups I look like the smart one. All these wrinkles and scars from doin' stupid things have given me the appearance of great wisdom. They assume I must know a lot of stuff. So all I have to do to come across as a genius is to just keep my mouth shut. If only I was that smart. Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together. [ applause ] well, this is gettin' serious. We've given up on digging the well deeper. And this is the last of our drinking water. I can't bring myself to buy the bottled stuff, because after I die, I'll run into my grandfather, and he's gonna give me a lot of grief about payin' 12 bucks a gallon for drinking water. Mind you, if it's heaven, there's a pretty good chance that at least one of us won't be there. Now, harold wants us to hook up to the town water, but we don't wanna do that. We're gonna drill a brand new well. In fact, we've got one of those water finding experts coming over right now. Hey, red. Yeah? All set to go. Great! Where's the water- finding expert guy? It's mike. Mike fell down the well and couldn't find water. I don't think you should use an accident as an opportunity to pooh-pooh me, mr. Green. The truth is when I was in prison, I became very proficient at using a divining rod to locate underground tunnels. Give him a chance, red. Feels like a waste of time to me. Well, you of all people should be comfortable with that. Okay, here goes. Oh, man. There! Wow! Look! Golly, that's convincing. You have water on the knee. It's a medical condition. Hey! So is that! There's your water, mr. Green. It's right down under that post. That can't be right. No, the stick never lies. Look down there. It's maybe 9 or 10 feet down, but it's there all right. But there's an electrical outlet on that post. Wouldn't the water short that out? No, no, not a problem. You sure? No! No! No! Red: Kind of an educational film on tonight's adventure. Walter was gonna show harold how to milk a cow. So, uh, in they go. And they had a cow there. A good start. Harold's a little tentative. You know... It's his first date. No, harold. No, no, no, no. Walter realises he has to start form scratch. This is a kind of a sidemount unit. Just easy. Just nice and easy. Nothing to it. See, harold doesn't know how to react. Hey, walter, you can have a snack while you're working. Oh boy! [ chuckles ] so, harold -- ah, no, no. No, harold. No, no. You ever heard of blood from a stone, harold? So that's not workin'. Walter realises he's gonna have to spend a little more time teaching harold, so he just happens to have a surgical glove in his pants there. And he gets that out and gonna fill that with milk and use that -- we know, harold. We know. We know. Come on. Come on. He's gonna show him if he uses the glove, just to kind of get a feel for it. You've gotta be firm but gentle. Firm... Watch this now. Firm... But gentle. But gentle. But firm. Come on now. You can do it. Firm but gentle. Firm -- okay, no, no. No, no, not that -- oh! All right, plan "b," the automatic milking machine. These things go onto the unit, and then, uh, you just throw the switch and the vacuum, and it milks the cow automatically. This something even harold could understand. Harold has an attention deficit problem, and of course, wouldn't you know it, there was a fly in the barn. So it's coming around. Harold can't ignore that. So he's flipping -- just forget the -- harold, forget the -- it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, harold. Forget the fly. The fly circles anyway, right down the chute. Meanwhile, walter is turning on the unit. And those things have a lot of action. As harold knows. You can lose your brains, harold. Walter tries to pull it off. Uh, when someone's in trouble, you should just stay away because you can actually get hurt yourself... There like that. So then he realises, why don't I just turn the machine off? There that shut off the vacuum, and now you can take the unit right off him. And he should be fine. Okay. You okay, harold? Fine? You okay? You good? You good? You okay, harold? Harold? Don't lie to me. [ applause ] as you can see, we're well into the well drilling here. We're already down about nine feet. We should hit water any minute. Now, we know electricity and water don't mix. So we're using a cordless drill. Uncle red, I just wanna go on record saying I think this is a big mistake. Harold, that's exactly what your dad said in the delivery room. No! I'm talking about putting a well right inside the lodge. You're taking an awful chance. No, we're not. The well will be handy here. The water won't freeze in the winter. Harold, this may be our only chance to have indoor plumbing. What if it ends up smelling like rotten eggs or something? It'll be just like a lodge meeting. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! We got it! We got it! We got it! [ cheers and applause ] let's see what we've got, harold. Huh? Hey? That doesn't smell like rotten eggs. Just clean, fresh spring water. Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait! I know this taste. Yes, you do, harold. It's called crow. No, it's called chlorine. That's chlorinated. Yeah, you didn't make a new well. You hit the town water main. What's he talking about? Where's he going? Who cares? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! [ applause ] good, harold. Good. Good. [ possum squealing ] meeting time. Yeah, you guys go ahead. I've gotta wait till my pants dry. Welcome to my world. [ applause ] okay, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. And the water's back on, so I'll be able to wash up. Unfortunately, we still have that annoying drip. To the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] okay, guys, have a seat. Coming to order. Sit down. Sit down. Sit down everyone. Everybody sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Red: Sit down. Bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to... I guess. Okay, men, we've just accidentally hooked up the town water. And trying to get an idea what it's going to cost the lodge. So I've got a couple of questions for you here. How many of you shower more than once a month? Well, that figures. Okay, how many of you drink the stuff? I'm talkin' about water. I think we'll be fine. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com